It's too much, you can't take it
You purge up every hateful piece of fat inside you.
It all comes up in gross chunks, bit by bit,
You want to try to be someone new.

Every insult ingrained inside
You can't take the pain of truth
It's disgusting to you on the outside
and the mirror is the proof.

The tightness in your chest screams success
The tears running down frame your hope
You don't see that you're becoming less,
You can't help the way you cope.

The acid coming up is worth the risk you take
To be the thin person you always wanted to be,
Don;t you know your own death you make
If you keep this up, soon you'll see.

It doesn't help, you'll soon find out
The inside of a toilet shouldn't be a constant view,
I understand what this is about,
Because, deep down, I'm just like you.

I do it everyday, keep it a secret
It's awful but, I can't help it anymore
And it's now becoming a deep regret
But I keep remembering what I'm hoping for.

You keep thinking it's worth it
A small price to pay for the end result
But is the smell on your fingers worth it
Just because you can't take an insult.

You just can't resist the pull
It's now something you just do
You just have to get it out if you feel too full
And I know this because deep down, I'm just like you.

I do it everyday, keep it a secret
It's awful but, I can't help it anymore
And it's now becoming a deep regret
But I keep remembering what I'm hoping for.

You decide you can eat alot
Afterall, it's coming right back up.
It's eight o'clock on the dot
Drink your soda in a cup.

Get yourself prepared and ready
You're already on your knees
You're being quick and steady,
You hurry up before someone sees.

You flush and try to forget this moment
Until it's time for your next cue
To get rid of your internal torment
I know, deep down, I'm just like you.

I do it everyday, keep it a secret
It's awful but, I can't help it anymore
And it's now becoming a deep regret
But I keep remembering what I'm hoping for.

Please take this advice
And my hypocrisy is clearly evident
But although the urge will entice
Stop before you can descent

Please try to think twice
Before you open your mouth
Before you're hooked up to a device
And before you go down south

Trust me when I say, this is highly unhealthy
It's not healthy for you to do it
It's hard to stop, I know trust me
Cause I'm just like you, I knew it.

Try to stop doing it everyday
Pull your act together and get to it,
It's hard but trust me when i say:

I know, I'm just like you, I've been through it.

They say you can do anything if you just try, and "If at first you don't succeed, try try again." But what if you get sick of trying? What if you get sick of trying to be someone evryone wants you to be? What if you get sick of trying to do something you hate?

They say you have to deal with what life throws at you. "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." But don't you know that lemonade is sour and acidic? Why can't life hand you strawberries or chocolate? It always give you something potentially harmful.

They say "knowledge is power." But knowledge is also weakness. Some things are better off unknown. Some things you can't control. Knowledge hurts. It plays with your mind and tempts you with thoughts you can't handle.

They say "Curiosity killed the cat." But I say "Satisfaction brought it back." I'd rather satisfy my curiousity than spend the rest of my life wondering. Breaking my mind in half with possibilities instead of just finding out myself, is just not me.

They say, "Be careful with what you wish for." But all I wish for is love and understanding and wisdom and the strength to go through everyday life. And then I think and understand the warning. Love can break your heart and spirit. Understanding can weaken your resolve. Wisdom can drive you insane. And if you are GIVEN the strength to go through life, than are you really living?

They say "The truth shall set you free." But the truth only shackled me down. If anything, I feel heavier, not lighter. The truth damages yourself as well as others. Sometimes you need the lies in order to survive.

I read something once that said: "Don't take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway." And I choose to go by this saying because it's something I do anyway It's the best advice I've ever heard , but that's just me.

I'm taped in place
Trapped in your embrace
Held in ways not mine
Broken and undefined.

Trapped in your embrace
Tied down just in case
My life is not my own
Became something unknown.

Frozen in time
An off-tune chime
Trapped in your embrace
Living without a trace

Living without a voice
Living without a choice
My life is yours to chase
I'm trapped in your embrace

Can't breathe, can't sleep
The pain I have to keep
Trapped in your embrace
Walking me to your own pace.

Tell me if that's not the case
I'm trapped in your embrace
Give me my own face
Get me out of your embrace

Leave me alone
Before i turn to stone
This life is mine to taste
I'll escape from your embrace.

And so I will die,
To stop the tears that I cry,
And if that's not the case,
Release me from your embrace.

They say the possiblities are endless,
That every choice is a test,
And every right one you make is best
And those that are not are ones to detest.

I was always told to be myself,
That no matter what, I must stay true,
I was told, "I believe in you"
But to believe in myself, I don't have a clue.

I take into consideration,
All the things that I know
But I don't know friend from foe,
I can't decide, this is so.

This is what I know:

I know to do as I am told,
I know to warm up, when I'm cold,
I know when to be scared and when to be bold.

I see the suffering and heartaches
I see the sorrow and the pain,
I know what's left to remain
I know there was once love in vain.

Attached to me are three small things
One is faith in time to pass
That some things stay, and some won't last
And all good things leave to fast

Second, there's this angel called Hope
She embraces me in times of fallen
When sorrow comes to me calling,
She raises me as I am falling.

Third is one too confusing,
In the form of a soaring white-winged dove,
They say it's something I'm deserving of,
They call my heart beating love.

And as I bleed on the dirty ground,
I recall my three angel's light,
And know that I will put up a fight,
That I too, will soon shine bright.

I've become so cold,
With my soul already on the other side.
Don't you know?
My heart's like the ocean's tide.
Who am I?
I'm confused, I can't decide.
Do you exist?
Tell me, I'm on the brink of suicide.

Do you believe?
I need someone to see me.
Do you love?
I've lost the ability.
Tell me how,
I'm supposed to see the possibility.
Save me now,
before I'm trapped in a facility.

My luck is gone
I need help to save my breath.
Do you not see?
You're an addiction like crystal meth.
Memories are thinning,
because you had left.
Now time is up,
leave me to a silent death.

You daydream too much to be normal. You search the deepest depths of your imagination for the tiniest prick of relief.Colors too bright and beautiful to exist come to your mind in short bursts. They swirl around dark emotions threatening to take over. You dream and hope that you can just wish the darkness away. And you hope that the hoping works. Sometimes, your world of magic is enough to bring you back to life. The green fields of prosperity spread to the distant horizon lined with faith. But sometimes the sun of hope sets and a moon of sorrow rises, highlighting your deepest fears and everything wrong. You walk the lonely roads in this time of down and all you see is grey and black. You sit on dead leaves, crushing them to nothing, and stare at the starless sky of your imaginary world. And then you realize that you don't even control the space of your own mind, let alone your own life. You cry ghost tears that you refuse to let the outside world see, because if it sees, then you make them more real. This you believe, because you want to believe that the outside world is simply an out of control nightmare. You want to believe that you will wake up from this out of control nightmare, and see a better world with open eyes. But for now, you try to be content with what you see behind closed lids.

In exactly one week, another year will have passed. Another year of feeling nothing and everything. Another year of hoping for the best and getting screwed. 

Seventeen years, and everything just got worst. 

I've forgotten what it feels like to be truly happy and it hurts to think of a future where nothing good exist.

I don't see a future with me in it.

In fact, I lost myself years ago, when I realized everyone hated who I was.

I became what everyone expected of me, and lost the will to breathe another day in the process.

My hearts beats only for the little boy who needs me in his life.

Sometimes I wonder if that's enough.

My brother should have his sister, not an empty casket who just looks like her.

And I don't think I can give him that. Not anymore, because I can't find her.

Sometimes I think that he would be so much better off without me. He's not even a year yet. He has time to forget what he never had.

My birthday is just another day. Nothing special, nothing new. Just another mark on the calender that no one pays attention to. 

I don't remember the last time I was excited about growing another year. I simply grew tired of disappointment, and stopped expecting anything. 

It's better on my heart that way. 

Sometimes I let myself imagine what it would be like to be seen. 

I look at my mother and silently scream at her. She stretches me so thin that I'm practically transparent and yet she still can't see through my crumbling facade. 

She can't or she won't. Same difference.

I want what I can't have, and that fact keeps me from revealing too much to her and others. 

All of you here don't know me. You never did, you don't and you never will. It's a simple fact. One that I accept. 

Because if you knew me, you would run, because you couldn't stand being near someone as broken, as fragile, and as emotionally dead as me. 

I let you see what you can handle, and nothing more.

She can't breathe. The world is blind to her suffering, but still it suffocates her into nothing. She cries out for help but no one hears because no one is listening.

She feels she can't take anymore, but she has to be strong for others. But who's going to be strong for her?

She hopes for the best, but what if the worst is yet to come? 

She goes through life everyday, living for a better tomorrow, but the day never comes. She dies more every night, and no one can find the missing pieces of her soul.

Her expressions have become automatic and are all fake. But no one notices because the truth will hurt them.  

They say the truth will set you free, but that in itself is a lie.

True freedom comes at the end of the line, and only then.

She wants to take the easy way out, but the sorrow others will go through, breaks her heart in every possible way.

So the question is whether to suffer in silence or condemn others to suffer for her?

And is it right to ask so much of the people she cares about? Even when they refuse to show any compassion for her?

The hard desicions are placed on her shoulders as a heavy load. She struggles and barely makes it. It gets harder all the time, and no one bothers to help.

And even if they knew to help, she wouldn't let them because it is her burden, and hers alone.

Sometimes she makes mistakes. The smallest mistake calls for drastic consequences. But she thinks she deserves it.

Even though the back of her mind is screaming that this is unfair.

But she does nothing about it because she can't and she won't.

She turns to music to help ease the pain, but even the most heavenly of voices can't heal a broken spirit.

But they sure as hell can help keep up the act.

She writes her thoughts down to keep from having a mental breakdown, though she is always a thought away from one. With every word, she pours her heart out, waiting to be listened to, but knowing that this is the best she can get.

She takes whatever she can get, because she never expects anything more.  

But everyday she will wait, everyday she will wait to be heard. 

Sometimes don't you wish your heart could stop beating so you don't have to feel anything anymore? So the little things don't hurt, and the words won't sting? What's the point of having something that will just be broken beyond repair? So broken and shattered that you can't be normal anymore. That you lost yourself in the process of holding in whatever is thrown at you. 

You hold in so much, that you feel like you're gonna implode from the sheer amount of emotional pain you're in. And the fact that you can't do anything about makes it so much more worst, and adds hopelessness on top of hate, lost, heartache, pain, and emptiness.

I feel like this everyday of my life, and I scream so loud but no one is there to hear me. The tears I cry go unwiped, and everyday I die a little more inside. I try my hardest to go on without caring, but it's so hard when you know you care too much for your own good. 

I've done some pretty stupid things and even though maybe the reasons I have for doing them are valid, they can't be excused. 

I've ran away from home to get away from the shit I have to go through every single minute, of every single hour, of every single day.

And I came back after taking a razor to the wrists and cutting too deep to keep going unnoticed. Wasn't the first time, won't be the last.

I've made myself throw up because I know how fat I am, and I don't need my own mother telling me what a fatass I am.

I've smoked before and relized it wasn't for me, and instead put out the cigarrette on my arm. The scar is almost too pale to notice.

I've drank a bit too much and said some things that ruined friendships, relationships and more.

I know I've done some stupid shit, and the sad thing is, is that all anyone cares about is how it reflects on themselves. No one cares about the damage done on my spirit, soul, heart, and mind.

No one cares that my mother only wants me in her life so I can babysit my brother so she can go out with her friends. 

No one cares about why I wear long sleeves all year round now.

No one cares that sometimes I go to school with red eyes and dark circles under them.

No one even cares that I lost the will to live so long ago, if the world ended right now, I would gladly welcome it with open arms.

I keep so many things inside that no one knows the real me. No one knows the girl behind the shield of fake smiles, witty sarcasm, and hyperactivty fueled by an abundance of much needed red bull.

I keep it carefully hidden so that I don't have any attachments. I don't need any pity or sympathy. If anything, someone pretending like they know what I'm going through makes it so much more worst.

I mean, all that you might say would be "That's life."

I'm not posting this for you guys to feel sorry for me. I'm posting this because I need to feel like someone out there is reading this, is reading the words that I don't know how to say out loud. That fact alone helps to ease my mind.